Define Self

Being a senior in college is something I never really expected to experience. It leaves me with a lot of questions.  It makes me question a lot about myself.  It makes me doubt who I am.

Sitting in the university's library today with  nothing to do but two hours to waste, I started getting bored of the internet.  So, I started watching the quirks of the library shut-ins.  There are people who sit and constantly brush their hair either with their hand or with an exasperated breath.  There are people who come to "study" with their friends.  The are the couples who can't stand to be apart for more than a few hours.

Then, there is me.  The one of two tutors that live in the small side room of the library with a small bucket of candy to keep me awake in the late night hours.  I was talking with a fellow student and tutor today who is also a senior, graduating at semester, and we got deep.  Or at least, we got serious.  He started off the conversation asking what I wanted to do with my life.

Loaded question.  What do I want to do with my life?  I don't even know!  I have spent the last 16 years of my life having people tell me what I must know and what I must do. When "the man" finally tells me that I can choose, I feel like I have had the safety net cut from beneath me in one moment.  Somehow, I think the world could do a better job of communicating their expectations to a young adult.

My decision had to be based on something, so I started looking at what I do well.  I listen well, I learn well, and I remember things I think are interesting very well.  Okay then, follow up question:  Who am I?

This was something that I could only answer after several personality profiles.  I learned that I am a people person.  I am highly invested in watching and helping others grow.  I have the ability to store and catalog information in my compartmentalized brain and recall it when I think it is related. I have the desire for harmony and I have a positivity in life that can overpower all other needs/desires.

Clearly, this is all about people.  I am all about people.  Therefore, I only know that I must be with people.  Sadly, this does not pinpoint any jobs for me.

I spoke with my friend and I brought up the idea that I could work  in a Zoo-not really as an event coordinator or CEO, but a woman who gets daily interaction with the people who come to be mystified.  Potentially, this means that I would see the same things day in and day out.  You know, "these are the monkeys, this is what they eat, this is what they do," but I would also have the ability to see people grow through the knowledge that they can learn from me.  Or perhaps I could work in a sort of horse-therapy situation.  A place where I can watch people be healed, comforted and grow through the time they spend with the horses.  Somehow, I can make a difference in people's lives and somehow, I need to find out how.

In conclusion, I suppose I have learned that I must experiment.  I must try things new and different to see where I fit.  To see where I could grow and help.  To see who I am.  

Spring

I suppose that the warm weather is influencing my mood but I am perfectly fine with this.

Today is a Monday and I wasn't expecting it to be any different from any other day but something today is.  I woke up this morning from a really entrancing dream and I couldn't ignore my alarm clock well enough to get to the end.  So I did get out of bed.  I spent the first few 15 minutes of my day reading first Samuel and praying that I could enjoy whatever God had planned for me and also that I could learn something from him.

I wasted my time getting ready because I knew that I needed to go practice piano for my lesson today. I've been a very bad student and have not practiced at all in the past week... so I carefully arranged my backpack and debated for several extra minutes whether I wanted to truly wear flip flops.  Finally I made it out into the practice room and there further angered myself.  I tried to better understand a piece that is new to me and it is in a new book.

New books are my bane.  I don't mind learning new music, I simply get exponentially more frustrated as each second that I play the book slowly starts to close.  First by inches then by pages.  I got so frustrated at the end of an hour that I bent the entire book harshly and ended up pulling a few pages halfway out of their binding because of my anger.  I decided that was the time to quit playing piano.

I walked across campus taking my time and the weather just hit me.  The grass curled over onto my feet (for I did choose to wear flip flops) and the wind brought that wonderful feeling of being weightless.  It was like a day to remember had just started.  A group of my friends were standing across campus making faces at me as I walked up and we all laughed and joked until we were late for class.  So, we sauntered in late and then "casually" brought up the fact to the prof that we need to go outside for class.  (A common argument)  She said yes!

We spent the class making up half thought out answers and then we just discussed the hour away.  One of my friends makes movie references every chance she gets and I wasn't disappointed today.  The most common reference being from the not-too-old movie Tangled where she sings "just feel the grass, the dirt, the way I'd dreamed they'd be." We have plans for lunch and another class with the same prof, hopefully that class will be outside too!

I can't help but smile as the day just promises to get better and better.  I have laughed often today and I have enjoyed the sun already more than the entire semester combined.
"Who could ask for anything more?"

Kansas

Alright, so I've lived in many different places.
I've experienced many different cultures.
I've tasted many different foods.
I've lived in many different climates, but the one that annoys me the most is Kansas' weather.

So today is the first day of December.  The first day of December, remember that.  Christmas plans are in the works and Christmas music echoes down the hall.  Decorations are appearing around every corner and daily the rumor of Christmas gifts is whispered.  The night is lit up by lights attached to the edges of houses.  But one thing is just off today.

It smells like Spring outside.

Yup, Spring.  Birds are freaking out, their tweeting is deafening in the parking lot just outside my dorm.  The weather is a balmy 66 with light clouds and a slightly moist feeling just to keep you cool, it's not humid though.  We just put up our Christmas tree in the dorm.  I don't think Kansas knows that its supposed to be wintertime about now.

I currently have my window open because its that nice outside.  My cacti are sitting in the windowsill, I'm hoping they will absorb all they can before winter actually comes... if it does.  This is the time when you are supposed to go out and sit around a campfire for warmth, not stare at the ground wondering if the grass is going to become green again.

Kansas, you are just a little messed up sometimes.

There is nothing so great as the feeling of being loved.

Thanksgiving break is here and life is calming down slowly.  Sure, things still happen and life still throws its curves, but I get to spend some days eating, laughing, and lounging.

Being home is always great for me because I have a little dog there.  She, being banished from the dorms, lives with my parents.  She does crazy things while I am away like grow her hair long and sleep with all sorts of people. I have to get her back into shape whenever I return.

She has taken to me fast, like usual, and even sits on my lap as I type.  Her haircut is currently half through.  Her white fur is long and curly except for two spots.  Her head is shaved down close and her little feet are also; this gives her a very "I'm fat and I know it" look. Once I have completed the cutting process she will look like the young, toned show dog quality that she is.
But for now, I just like to pick her up, squish my face into her side and enjoy the cotton feel that it offers.

I feel accomplished every time I come home as a wiggling and tripping dog comes barreling through the hallway trying to be the first one to greet me.  Minutes are spent as I try to give her the attention I think she deserves for such a display of affection.  Sounds echo throughout the hard linoleum floor of our kitchen as she tries to be the closest to me while I hug, laugh and reconnect with my family.  It takes at least a day before she calms down, but I revel in it the whole time.
It is a joy to be always accepted and sought out, no matter what life is throwing around.

Dreams

What is the deal with dreams?
Are they the real final frontier?  Not the deep sea, not space, but dreams.
Is it a hopeless area of study because nothing is concrete?

Dreams are the mystery that I constantly try to unfold.  I don't sleep because I'm tired, I sleep so I can dream.  Nights go by without a single idea coming to the front of my mind but then I can have several nights in a row where dream after dream fly through my every moment.  They are so fantastical, I cannot hate them.  Even when I have a horror movie style of a dream, I still wake up exhilarated and curious; this is usually because of one reason.

I remember one of the scariest recent ones was a parody of the Woman in Black trailer (Its a slightly dated dream).
I was exploring this old black house with many dusty rooms.  Somewhere in the house there were rooms in which I knew there were people needing to be saved, so I searched and searched.  My sister appeared with me and as I found someone I sent them outside to my sister who would comfort them in any way she knew how.  After saving several people I became aware that someone was watching me and she hated what I was doing.
I began to watch around every corner and even glance behind me several times, the only thing I ever saw was a shadow of black but what I heard sent chills down my spine.  A laugh full of evil and hatred would crash down the hallways and grow louder as it echoed in the rooms.  I became petrified at times, unable to move anything or think beyond that single sound.  But people still needed me; if they had been living in this horrifying place all this time I could handle it a few hours to save all that I could.
The woman realized that I wasn't going to stop with just a few shows, so she prepared her next move.  I was on the basement floor when I heard my sister's voice calling me from a room a little ways off.  She said she had found someone who desperately needed my help.  Instead of questioning why she was inside the house I quickly rushed to the room.  I saw someone standing by a small window dressed all in black and then, she vanished with a screeching laugh that chilled every cell in my body.  It was THAT room.  The room where SHE lived.
Still searching for someone who might be in trouble, I glanced at the bed.  Thats when things started to get real crazy. My feet were suddenly glued to the floor and my eyes saw a sight that was meant to scare the last bit of courage right out of my heart.  The bed sheets suddenly lifted up and started flying around the room.
Strangely enough, a peace settled over me.
A peace.  In this room.  The room where all evil came to rot, I found peace.
All of the sudden,the window was bright and my mind relaxed.  My real life started invading this dream and my belief in Christ and his saving power wrapped me up.  I felt the strength of one greater than a woman in black and I stared down at the flying sheets with eyes too full of peace to care.  They wouldn't and couldn't hurt me in any way, for God was with me in that dream.

God.  That is why my dreams are so wonderful. Why every night I look forward to what adventure and situation will come next.  I know in the real world who is most powerful and in my dreams it is the same way. I have been able to pray in my dreams before and they immediately change.
I don't mean to sound preachy by this, but I want you to know that is my conclusion on dreams.  The Final frontier.

Surprise!

Traipsing into work today I failed to notice one key thing.

I walked into the main room and greeted the secretary and the head of the department who were having an impromptu meeting.  Feeling slightly out of place I quickly stepped my way to the back room where I clock in.  I checked the shared student board, as I waited for the machine to warm up, for any notes my fellow workers might leave for me. All that remained was a schedule for who brings in candy when, a sheet that stated different titles that are also their job (for example: a mother mothers), a creatively designed layout of the office (it looks very similar to clue and we have begun putting together a little copycat game), and a note saying different rules to remember while working there.  I had seen them before so I didn't even spend three seconds looking.

I clocked in and waltzed out of the back ready to face the responsibilities of my day, but truly my mind was on a movie that I am going to see later tonight.  After doing my everyday duties (checking the trash and emptying it, turning off the coffee pots, re-stocking the printer room), I asked the secretary what I could do for her.

Her voice flitted about as she arranged her thoughts into something I could understand and in the midst of this I zoned out.  Not that I didn't hear her, she essentially told me "nothing today", it's just that something else had caught my attention that was far more interesting than the extra unneeded dozen of words.  There was something tickling my hair.

Strange as that may sound, it makes sense.  It was like a breeze was tousling one section of my hair.  As politely as I could while the secretary talked, I tried to lightly brush my bangs out of my face and flip my head so the air wouldn't distract my any more.  Instead, I noticed the increasing annoyance of the continued something in my hair.  Now, thinking it is a leaf, I combed my fingers gently through my unruly hair and I felt it.

Rough, thin and much too small to be a whole leaf, I combed my fingers again through my hair to try and find it and pull it out.  Thinking now that the secretary must have noticed my behavior, I excused myself to try and pull out this leaf in my hair.  Walking over to the trash can she suddenly says three words that scare the life out of me.

"ITS A WASP!"

Then the next sound... the sound of a very angry wasp buzzing right next to my left ear. My life flashed before my eyes and every single moment that I had been stung before rushed to the very front.  Breathing fast I quickly lean way over, praying the wasp will just fall out of my hair.  The buzzing grows louder.  The secretary rushes over and tries to scoop it out of my hair with a sheet of paper. What a sight to see and sound to hear if you had walked in at that moment.

I was leaning way over, head almost touching my knee. The kind secretary was trying to get the wasp out without angering it any more and all the while I am walking away from my left side, thinking in my panic that somehow I could still get away from the evil creature.  She followed diligently as I moved farther and farther from her.  The buzzing only growing louder and louder.  I'm not sure what I spoke, only that it was frantic and probably very high-pitched.  I know the secretary tried to reassure me several times that she was doing her best but the many words floated to deaf ears. I could't focus on anything but my most basic thoughts: get away, get away, get away.

...
Somehow, the wasp flew free and the manly head of the department came strutting in and killed it with one good swat.  I escaped without a sting, but I'm pretty sure I will never be able to run my fingers through my hair again this week without a momentary panic of it being a wasp...

Ever had that moment?

That moment when you just want to find a corner and hide in it.  Maybe find a wall and become one of it's many paper flowers.  Or even just reverse time so that embarrassing thing you did could be stopped before it happens?

I had one of those yesterday.
We had a university testing day, no one had to attend classes.  All I had to do was take a test that everyone in my university has to also take.  I finished that in the morning and had the rest of the day to do whatever (I ended up watching Hamlet. The one with Mel Gibson with a strange short hair cut).  After the movie ended and I finished my responsibilities (working and all that), I had a few moments to do nothing.

Those moments are a good thing and a bad thing.  This time it was a bad thing.
I turned on my candle warmer that sits a few feet away from the futon we have in our room.  I turned my dinosaur laptop on and walked around for a good five minutes before it changed from the "Window's" screen with that strange, curvy four colored representation of a window. I sat around searching the endless internet for a while, finding nothing.

My roommate and I talked for a while and it was decided.  Road Trip!  I clicked the option to turn off my dinosaur and waited another five minutes before it said "Are you sure?"  After closing the monster and trying to hide it behind anything I walked over to my candle on the candle warmer.

It was halfway melted.  This is always slightly disappointing because the nice smell of the vanilla candle doesn't really waft through the room  unless the hot wax is allowed to escape into the free air.  In an attempt to free the warm wax I started using my fingernails to scratch a hole into the hard wax on top.
Shavings came away at first and when I got closer to the warm wax it started squishing around.  I hadn't finished getting ready to leave yet so I left it to put my shoes on and such.
When I came back I was happy to see a small puddle of wax oozing out of the hole I had created.  Excited, I started to push on the hard wax to cause more warm wax to come out.

This is the moment when I would go back and stop myself.

When the wax didn't budge at all, I used my other hand too, pushing harder to try and get the warm wax out all the while thinking that i wanted the vanilla smell to circulate better.  Disaster stuck right then.  The hard wax suddenly whooshed into the warm wax causing a volcano to erupt and burn everything in it's path; this included my hands.

I spent the next few minutes listening to my roommate laugh uncontrollably while I frantically tried to clean up fast-cooling wax from the carpet, the shelf and the bookend; ignoring my hands in the process.

I woke up this morning to find blisters on my fingers.
Writing today is going to feel just dandy.